My head is full of things; it feels crammed, brimming over with facts and unfinished connections, a flurry of things waiting to be made sense of…but I can’t seem to concentrate. My boyfriend was set to go hiking with his friends this morning at 6am in an attempt to find the source of the Espiritu Santo River. Yeah, in the pouring, pouring, POURING rain. Yeah. I couldn’t get a hold of him and I think that’s contributing to my lack of focus. After dinner (and another failed attempt at reaching him and my mother) I decided to sit on a rock near the stream, along the driveway past the apartments.
I sat, with my shorts, rain jacket, and sandals attempting to find a sense of place in the forest, to be here and now. With eyes closed I sat, imitating the rock beneath me--still, unmoving. I pressed my feet into the earth, attempting to become one with it as well. I relaxed each muscle, a rock slowly broken in by the water above, smoothed and eroded into the soil beneath. I breathed in, chest swelling. Drops of water fell onto my hood; I flinched involuntarily from the sound, the pressure of intermittent but large drops beating onto my head. Water began to flow onto my face, and I looked as though I were shedding tears. They streaked my cheek, these tears. I breathed out, attempting to release the stress...a burden remained though, heavy…
I then opened my mind to the things around me, attempting to take it all in without focusing on one single thing. I was an open vent, allowing the sound of the water rushing over the rocks, the song of the coquíes mingled with that of the insects, the constant drip of rain to envelop me, to come and go as it pleased. I noticed the other scientists passing by, some walking, some driving…I couldn’t concentrate completely I suppose, signaled by the tiny surges of self-consciousness…but I continued…I opened my eyes slowly, looking at the fog about me, how the trees and vines were kissed by the visiting clouds. This sense felt somehow degraded though, as if it was so common and so overused that it told me little of the things around me. Still, I raised my head to feel the mist on my face, so I too could be kissed. I closed my eyes again. I couldn’t feel the kiss...
I began to pray then, attempting to accept the uselessness of worrying for my beloved, attempting to accept, accept it all, accept anything I needed, whatever it was that was making me feel so heavy, so out of it. I felt emotions of despair, of fatigue, of hopelessness well inside, for the current situation as well as other issues in our relationship. I had the sudden desire to just lie down in that stream, to let the water run over my body, my face, to wipe me clean, to just overflow with those emotions, that they might meet the waters about me and swirl away. But I didn’t. Instead I prayed,my eyes focused on the water: “Everything is in Your hands. Were I to lose my beloved I could do nothing…but I will surely make like the stream and let my sorrow flow, let it all fall like the drops from the trees, like the heavens, like everything in this forest. Grant me the desires of my heart; as I delight in your creation, grant me so his well-being, mine own peace.” I still felt sorrow though, still unsettled despite the prayer. Yet the song of the coquíes and the refreshing nature of the stream wouldn’t let me stay grim--its just too joyful. Again, I had that urge to lie down in the stream and be cleansed, healed.
Even as I write this I feel heavy, and I’m still not sure why. I am crying, and I feel the emotions well up, sadness…but I don’t fully know why. I just hope to continue going out there to meditate, and maybe one of these days I will find that unity that I seek with nature. I just feel so out of it; I don’t even need to understand it—I’m not so naïve to think I can— but I just want to listen, to feel enough that I am one with it, that I am at peace...that I may feel a light shine within my mind, that I may truly see.
I sat, with my shorts, rain jacket, and sandals attempting to find a sense of place in the forest, to be here and now. With eyes closed I sat, imitating the rock beneath me--still, unmoving. I pressed my feet into the earth, attempting to become one with it as well. I relaxed each muscle, a rock slowly broken in by the water above, smoothed and eroded into the soil beneath. I breathed in, chest swelling. Drops of water fell onto my hood; I flinched involuntarily from the sound, the pressure of intermittent but large drops beating onto my head. Water began to flow onto my face, and I looked as though I were shedding tears. They streaked my cheek, these tears. I breathed out, attempting to release the stress...a burden remained though, heavy…
I then opened my mind to the things around me, attempting to take it all in without focusing on one single thing. I was an open vent, allowing the sound of the water rushing over the rocks, the song of the coquíes mingled with that of the insects, the constant drip of rain to envelop me, to come and go as it pleased. I noticed the other scientists passing by, some walking, some driving…I couldn’t concentrate completely I suppose, signaled by the tiny surges of self-consciousness…but I continued…I opened my eyes slowly, looking at the fog about me, how the trees and vines were kissed by the visiting clouds. This sense felt somehow degraded though, as if it was so common and so overused that it told me little of the things around me. Still, I raised my head to feel the mist on my face, so I too could be kissed. I closed my eyes again. I couldn’t feel the kiss...
I began to pray then, attempting to accept the uselessness of worrying for my beloved, attempting to accept, accept it all, accept anything I needed, whatever it was that was making me feel so heavy, so out of it. I felt emotions of despair, of fatigue, of hopelessness well inside, for the current situation as well as other issues in our relationship. I had the sudden desire to just lie down in that stream, to let the water run over my body, my face, to wipe me clean, to just overflow with those emotions, that they might meet the waters about me and swirl away. But I didn’t. Instead I prayed,my eyes focused on the water: “Everything is in Your hands. Were I to lose my beloved I could do nothing…but I will surely make like the stream and let my sorrow flow, let it all fall like the drops from the trees, like the heavens, like everything in this forest. Grant me the desires of my heart; as I delight in your creation, grant me so his well-being, mine own peace.” I still felt sorrow though, still unsettled despite the prayer. Yet the song of the coquíes and the refreshing nature of the stream wouldn’t let me stay grim--its just too joyful. Again, I had that urge to lie down in the stream and be cleansed, healed.
Even as I write this I feel heavy, and I’m still not sure why. I am crying, and I feel the emotions well up, sadness…but I don’t fully know why. I just hope to continue going out there to meditate, and maybe one of these days I will find that unity that I seek with nature. I just feel so out of it; I don’t even need to understand it—I’m not so naïve to think I can— but I just want to listen, to feel enough that I am one with it, that I am at peace...that I may feel a light shine within my mind, that I may truly see.
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